Confessional

The baby is sleeping.
The house is quiet.
I have wine in hand.
I think it is time I confess a few things.
You see, my confessions are not sins per se, and are pretty harmless to everyone around me, yet deep inside me looms guilt and negative self talk for these things.  You probably don't know these things when looking at me or even being my friend, but they are there--hidden beneath shame.  Well, let me just get on with it and explain in hopes of some sort of weight lifted, guilt releasing, positive outcome and sighs of "There, I said it!" 's.  We'll see...

Confession #1:  I did not breastfeed my baby.
I had every hope of breastfeeding Everett just like books say, friends did, and society preaches.  It didn't work out so well for us though.  We had it for a couple of months and then slowly, supply wasn't meeting the demand and then drip drip drip....dry!  No matter the pumping, talks with lactation consultant, herbal supplements, etc. It didn't come back.  I was devastated.  All throughout pregnancy all you hear is that it is the best for the baby and you just assume everything will work out.  Maybe I 'quit' trying to early.  Maybe I didn't pump enough right at the beginning.  Maybe I should not have went back to work so early. Maybe I should have listened to my gut more than the doctors.  Maybe if we just would have tried a little longer....I beat myself up over these things.  I bury my head in shame when the topic arises hoping that people will not ask of my experience with the fear of gasps, and 'how could you!" 's.  It's unrealistic I know.  It happens. Not everyone can breastfeed and my brain knows this, yet I still feel guilt.  I find no judgmental thoughts running through my mind when others tell me they cannot or did not breastfeed, so why must I....we as women...moms...beat ourselves up inside, privately, in secret over something so unimportant.  I mean really, in the end my baby is happy and healthy and will not give two hoots when he is a teenager if  I breastfed or not.
Sigh.
It's time to let it go. Say it, accept it, and let it go.
I did not breastfeed my baby.
There. I said it!

Confession #2:  Sometimes I don't go to church.
Gasp!  Yeah, Big deal. I know.  Its just  a nagging guilt this one.
I grew up in the church and can hardly remember times of NOT going to church on Sundays.  So, to skip every now and then to have a slumber party (yes they still happen and yes they are still awesome!), sleep in, have 'home' church, or just hang with the family seems like I am doing something wrong.  I know God does not judge me for how many Sundays I attend church and could care less about that and more about my heart.  Again, my brain knows this so why the guilt?  Is it because the habit and tradition is so far en grained in me that anything else seems wrong...off...?  Or is it because I worry about what other people think--family--friends--you know the church going folk.  Don't get me wrong, I love love LOVE my church, but sometimes my Sunday feels more like a Monday and it just doesn't happen.  I promise myself to be better about this because I want Everett to grow up going to Sunday school and being exposed to the Bible--so maybe that is where the guilt is rooting itself....In the "You're not going to be a good mom in the future if you don't start changing your ways now" little bugger.
Sigh.
Sometimes I don't go to church.
There. I said it!

Confession #3:  I fake it till I make it.
So this is just silly.  I am not guilt ridden over this one, I just feel like, well...a faker.  I feel like that in many aspects of my life I have faked it till I made it to a certain point.  Example--playing guitar.  I started to learn how to play guitar in like 8th grade and kind of just taught myself through listening to music and looking at my dad's chord book (my dad was quite the guitar legend).  I would play and play and loved it and even ended up playing on my worship team in high school and in college.  Wanna know something though?  I couldn't play any song by heart, I didn't know how to play a scale, I barely knew how to tune it and the only chords I learned were the 20 general ones that were in just about every song.  I made it, but I faked it.   Another example--Photography.  I have a dang sweet camera and I can take some dang sweet pictures, but it is merely an accident.  I don't know anything about the mechanics of my camera or lenses or which one is better than the other for what not.  I don't know camera lingo and sure as heck couldn't tell you about my f-stop or shutter speed.  I just see my subject, I take the picture how I want to see it creatively or not so creatively and that's it.  No more thought went into it than, point, focus and snap. I make it. but I fake it.
Same story with sewing, being fashionable (ha!), cooking, baking, cleaning, etc.
Sigh.
I fake it till I make it.
There. I said it!

Confession #4: I am not completing a triathlon this year.
Now this one is a strange confession right? I just feel I had to confess it after proclaiming that I would do a triathlon this year.  I wanted to.  But well, at the same time I didn't.   You see, I just have a little competitive edge about me when it comes to me and my sister.  I feel like if I'm not going to be even with her, well then hell I am going to one up her!  A couple years ago we ran the Twin Cities marathon together.  Reflecting back on it now, it was such an awesome accomplishment and something I will remember forever! (especially my ipod breaking at mile 4 and me getting the 'runs' at mile 7--boo!) But that summer I had not planned on signing up for it until she did and convinced me to and well, if she's going to do something cool then I want to too...little sister syndrome...anyone...anyone? Well, that is how I get. It sucks.  I ended up running a whole lot of races I didn't really want to just because I wanted to do something cool to and be able to measure up.  After all, what do I have to show for myself besides a cute kid?  So this year, the pressure came again.  She signed up to do the marathon again and well I talked myself into doing a triathlon and was very head strong about it.  Prime training time passed...and passed...and passed and now well we are well into summer and I've only been on my bike once and swimming...yeah...right.  It's just not going to happen this year, which part of me is thankful that I am not making myself do something I don't want to and am not ready for , but I also feel sad and disappointed in myself that I didn't achieve a goal I had set before me.  I really would like to complete a triathlon in the future, I think it'd be a blast.  I just wasn't as ready for it as I thought I'd be.  The summer is not over yet though and there are still plenty of running races to accomplish....IF i so choose!  There is just nothing like crossing a finish line!
Sigh.
I am not completing a triathlon this year.
There. I said it!

Phew!
Good for if you if you read this far...my guess is I lost 98% of readers at 'I think it's time to confess a few things"! And to have no pictures...well that's just blog suicide!

I'm all confessed out.  It feels good though.  It's all out there.  The nagging, self loathing little guilt's that creep into my being are released for all to see.

Crap.

:)