Friday, July 13, 2012

Awkward.

Wanna know a little fact about me?

I ooze awkward.

Really, it's one of my biggest personal handicaps in social situations.  Call it introverted.  Call it social anxiety.  Or call it awkward.  It's really all the same to me.

I will even sometimes try to avoid certain social situations because I am paralyzed by my awkwardness.  This is THE major and primary reason why I am so poor at supporting Curtis at his softball games.  I can't stand the thought of being my awkward self in front his friends I hardly know.  So, I just assume hardly never go.  Sorry Curtis....sorry Curt's friends.  :(   I think to many, this can come across as, say...bitchy.  I don't blame them--I probably look cold and uninterested on the outside, but on the inside I'm thinking about what they think of me...and how to act....and what to say....and so on.

When Curt is around and by my side, it eases my anxiety and helps me to be a bit less awkward.  He is so good at the whole people thing.  He asks the right questions, makes people laugh, makes others feel comfortable and is just a little social butterfly.  But when he is not around or say....on the ball field while I am on the bleachers, it's just awkward.  Ugh, I'm so ashamed.

Tonight, I was flying solo and almost let my anxiety take over me enough to make me stay home from a dear friend's birthday party.  BUT, I gave myself a pep talk and said, "hey you, grow up and get over there because it's not always about you."

I went, and it was great (as usual---silly me.) and I got to see old friends and meet new ones and watch my little dude enjoy other kids.  Aaaaaand, I was awkward. Struggling with starting up conversations, struggling to show an outward interest that matched the inward and struggling to just be me.

Maybe me is just plain awkward?

Can I blame someone for that?  Hm, I'd blame my dad---he's pretty awkward....er, I mean awesome  :)

Oh well.  It is what it is right?  Looks like I will need Curtis to accompany me everywhere and babysit me so I don't make other people feel comfortable.

Or, I can try to work on it.  

So, please just know that I'm really not a bitch, I AM interested in you and your life and I DO like to have fun.  I'm just awkward.
 




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