Sunday, February 17, 2013

Through storms come rainbows.

I'm not sure what has pushed me here, but here I am putting my fingers to the keys and typing---something I never thought I'd share with so many people.  However, if God has taught me one thing in my life, it's that our trials become experiences for us to use in helping and encouraging others that may go through them.  I know I have looked to others' experiences so many times when facing tough times to get me though and so I pray that this is the Holy Spirit pushing me so that my 'story' may help someone though their difficult time and encourage hope in their future.

This fall my husband and I had been trying for baby #2.  We had success earlier this winter and were beyond excited.  Plans were made of how and when to tell family and friends and I had already started a 'new baby' wishlist on Amazon.  Life was great.  Until I became a statistic.

20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage.

It's one of those yucky things I thought, "oh, that won't happen to me...".

It began while I was at work one day--a Monday.

To finish that entire day of work was unbearable mentally and emotionally as I was not positive of what was going on.  I remember standing in the bathroom stall at one of my schools fighting back tears and preparing myself to teach a classroom lesson while I was still unsure of what my body was doing.  Hours turned into a day and within 36 hours it was gone. "It" was gone.  I wasn't pregnant anymore.

There is something about that lack of control over your own body that is completely terrifying and frustrating.  Why can't I just do something to stop it?  A pill? A shot?  Resting?  Anything?

Devastation set in and even while the process was going to take weeks to complete, I had to continue with work--with life.  That was easily one of the worst weeks of my life.  I'm sure I was a horrible wife. mother. counselor and friend.

I think one of the most heartbreaking things out of all of this is in my research and speaking with other women that this is so common.  My own friends and family and I'm sure people I see and talk to every day having to endure this same heartache.

It's a tough heartache.  It's a sense of loss, but I felt myself comparing my experience to others thinking "well, I wasn't as far a long as her so I shouldn't be so sad" or "why would I tell people, I wasn't even 7 weeks along..."  I think that is Satan's way of creeping into my thoughts and minimizing the importance of life.  Of the life that I was going to carry.  No matter how far a long.  No matter how big.  It was a life and it was mine---and now it's gone.

 I do however feel that the farther a long a woman is the more connected and invested she becomes so with that, the grieving is, I am sure, much more difficult.

For a long time I felt broken. I was sad. hopeless. frustrated. angry.  Much of that pointed towards God.  We exchanged words---I more so than He, because when I'm pissed I don't listen.  In the end he gave me a teeny seed of hope and assured me he had a better plan.  So, I waited...not patiently.  Not the most polite either.  But I waited and trusted.

If you are going through this or have gone through this, I am deeply sorry.

But remember the title?  Through the storms come rainbows.

I've learned that the term for a baby born after a miscarriage is referred to as a 'rainbow baby'.

God still hasn't answered all of my questions from the "why's" before, but he has blessed us with our rainbow baby---fingers crossed.

That's right---I'm PREGNANT!

Though I have not obeyed the unwritten rule to wait until 12 weeks, I decided I am not going to let my prior experience drive fear into my life and keep me from sharing our good news.

I am just shy of 11 weeks and had an ultrasound a couple weeks ago.

Heartbeat? Check.
Arms and Legs?  Check.
Little wiggly blueberry?  Check.

All is looking great and so this gives me great hope that come September we will have our rainbow baby.

I still feel silly for writing all of this out thinking that so many women share this same story and never say a word.  But I believe in the power of a story and the power of words and that they can help to heal.  So many people's stories have helped in my healing process. So I pray that this finds the right person so they know:

#1: What you are going through is awful and you are not alone
#2 : There is hope after loss
#3 : It's ok to be angry at God as long as you keep talking to Him

And if no one finds this encouraging of helpful, well then at least those close to me will know why I sucked so bad at life earlier this winter.  :)




8 comments:

  1. sharing your experiences and truth is always beneficial to someone. Pregnancy is an awkward thing to talk about in a lot of ways-it brings up so many 'issues'. I am still working out how to tell more about my pregnancy experience with Caleb because it was not altogether a happy experience and I am afraid of how people will react to reading the truth of the emotions that an unmarried Christian woman goes through when confronted with an unplanned pregnancy. I completely respect, support and appreciate your willingness to share your story. When I think about my pregnancy story and so many others' miscarriage and pregnancy stories, I realize how much the human circumstances around the life of the child impact the perception of its potential impact. Because you are married, and hoping, planning, working towards building a family the life growing inside of you was very real-very wanted-very dreamed about. But for women in other situations the growing being is seen as something disposable-not living-not wanted-an inconvenience-an accident-a danger-etc its a bizarre conundrum that hurts my heart because I fully understand both sides. So sorry for your loss and happy for the Rainbow Baby that's on its way! And regardless of what you were feeling that week, I am sure that you did the best you could and God filled in the rest-when we are struggling or mourning or just not up to the tasks of our lives-God fills in the gaps for us through other people.

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  2. You are built as strong as they come darling! It was hard on the both of us but I am proud at how hard you have and continue to work to become happy again.

    I am so pumped for #2!!!!

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  3. As I read your story, it felt like I was reading my own from April 2007. I, too, lost a baby around 7 weeks. I, too, stood in a bathroom at school and cried. I, too, was very angry with God. I, too, ended up with a rainbow baby that I cannot imagine my life without. We had been trying to get pregnant for a year and a half and started fertility treatments. They worked! I was over the moon excited!! Until the doctor called and told me that my numbers were dropping and I was going to lose the baby. I also lost my beloved grandpa in the same week, making April 2007 the worst month of my life. I couldn't stop crying. I curled up in a ball and could hardly function that entire month. My aunt told me something that really helped me at that time. She said that my favorite cousin, Scott, would not be here if she had not had a miscarriage before he was conceived. It made me believe that I could still have a baby that I was meant to have. And then came Anna. She is my rainbow baby. Her middle name is Faith because we had to keep the faith through the tears and devastation and believe that there was another plan for us. God always has a plan, even if we don't understand it. I cannot imagine my life without her. So, you have every right to grieve the loss of your baby. You also have every right to celebrate and shout from the mountaintops your excitement about your rainbow baby! He (or she) is a gift from God and a beautiful miracle just waiting to make his/her big entrance. Enjoy every moment (or most moments) :) of your pregnancy and get ready to live His plan. It will be magnificent!

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing that! Wow! Yay for rainbow babes :)

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  4. Thank you for sharing this heartache. I can't believe how many of "us" there truly are. I hate that it's something most people don't talk about.

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  5. Thank you for writing this post. I just went through a miscarriage this week and I have been searching to try to find the answers as to why this happened. I know there are none, but that through faith I have to trust that my rainbow baby will come along too. I too was angry with God... this has not been an easy year for my husband and I and I just wanted this to be the easy thing... to bring back our hope. But, even through the sadness, I know that there is hope. I have a loving husband who I can lean on and our time will come. I am one of the lucky ones. I really appreciate you sharing that you were pregnant again before the 12 week milestone. One of the hardest things is looking forward to the future and being afraid to celebrate the joy because you know what loss feels like. I will use your example and remember to celebrate. Thank you.

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    1. I am so sorry for your loss! Your hope in God is evident in your writing and I pray you have your rainbow baby soon! God Bless!

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